go to bed feeling fantastic, wake up feeling HORRIBLE. just, the worst depression ever. it makes going to sleep dreadful, because all the gains you’ve made during the day to make yourself happy just go down the drain and you know you’re going to wake up the next morning back at square one and you have to build yourself back up to the happy place that you were at just 8 hours before right before you went to bed. it’s exhausting and so depressing. makes me think whether or not sleep is actually worth it because i know i’m going to wake up the next morning quite depressed and i’m going to have to work really hard to make myself feel just okay again. i don’t understand what’s going on. maybe it’s a vitamin deficiency?? so i tried taking vitamins today. maybe it’s intimacy. tried that. i just don’t understand how and why every morning, i get up feeling like i can’t breathe again. i feel as though someone sucked the life out of me and i cannot, for the sake of the world, get up and out of bed feeling remotely anything close to OKAY. not even happy, or content, or satisfied. OKAY. why is that so hard? is something wrong with me? i don’t want to believe i have to go on meds. i really don’t. i believe this is something that i can internally fix, but i haven’t found the right pathway in doing so yet. i just don’t understand. help anyone? tell me your experiences and what you do to make yourself get over it. thanks!
so lately i’ve been doing some real hard thinking and studying for pcat and whatnot. i really want to get into pharmacy school. my gpa sucks a lot yes i know. and honestly, i surprise myself with the strength that i have every morning to actually get up, get going, and face the day. every day is literally a challenge, because i have to look my huge 3 year failure in the face and live with it. surrounded by a sea of success, i want to kill myself. i really do. it is so hard to get up and try again when all you want to do is fall back down into bed and never wake up. this is me trying so hard to do what i know needs to be done. i wish sandy knew that every single time he talks to me about my future, his family and his goals, it makes me feel already so much worse about myself and it takes my breathe away because every word is a stab to my heart. i can’t breathe being suffocated by all of it but i still put myself through the pain only because i know i deserve it. yeah i know there’s an out, but i don’t take it. i’m going to face it, cry until my tear ducts are nonexistant and face it again until i can’t feel anymore. i wish i could tell him that it hurts me so bad, but i don’t because it’s a reality check to my face every single time that i should have been where he is but i’m not.